One of John Kerry’s Senate aides is running for President… of the Red Sox Nation! The story, first reported in Wednesday’s Boston Herald, noted that Kerry’s Deputy Chief of Staff, David Wade, “the junior senator’s main mouth, who has tried over the years to make Kerry at least sound like a Red Sox fan (‘Manny Ortiz’ wasn’t his gaffe), has thrown his hat into the ring for the Sept. 28 election.”
Wade, whose office on Capitol Hill resembles Jimmy Fallon’s man-boy apartment in “Fever Pitch,” said his first order of business as president would be to pardon Bill Buckner and demand the Sox owners sign A-Rod!
“I never thought I’d say this, but it’s time to give a full, complete, and unconditional pardon to Bill Buckner,” wrote Wade. “The man has suffered long enough. Let’s face it, we wouldn’t have been in the ’86 series without him, and besides we all know the choke was Schiraldi’s fault anyways.”
As for Alex Rodriguez, he would counsel the team ownership troika to “make every effort in the off-season” to sign the on-fire Yankees third baseman.
“Boston has everything he could ever want – great fans, an inviting left field wall, and dozens of strip clubs,” campaigned Wade. (Dozens of strip clubs? Been in the Combat Zone lately, sport?)
“For the love of Harry Frazee, let’s not allow A-Rod to break baseball’s home run record in the house that Ruth built when he can do it instead at Fenway Park [map] where the Babe actually got his start.”
Also in his campaign platform, Dave couldn’t help but get in a plug for the pols in the Senate.
Wade said he’d also advise Commissioner Bud Seligto use his “bully pulpit” to “lobby Congress for more lenient immigration laws, especially when the prospect has a 97 miles per hour fastball and hails from San Pedro de Macoris.
“If U.S. Sen. George Mitchell can tackle steroids for the Commissioner, surely the Commissioner can tackle immigration policy for the U.S. Senate,” he said.
The Herald also noted that David Wade has some stiff competition including ESPN’s Bill Simmons; NESN vixen Hazel Mae; baseball guru Peter Gammons; Sox play-by-play veteran Joe Castiglione; Dennis Drinkwater from Giant Glass; the Rem-Dawg (the acting RSN prez) and historian Doris Kearns Goodwin. In fact, I’ve never seen such a huge pool of candidates for any office.
On the WaPo, Mary Ann Akers And Paul Kane note that Wade “a longtime Kerry aide, is now ever-so-nervously awaiting word on whether he has made it to the next round in his bid to become leader of the baseball team’s official fan club, which will narrow the pool to 25 contestants.”
He has already taken a Red Sox trivia test, which he had to have completed with 100 percent accuracy to proceed to the next round, and answered three essay questions.
Of course, the new Senate gift ban could impede some of the benefits Wade receives should he win the big race. The winner stands to get lots of free tickets to Fenway Park, official business cards, a suite for one regular season, a ceremonial first pitch before a game, a RedSox.com e-mail address and a trip to spring training with a guest.
Wade says he’ll tackle the ethics rules questions if he wins the contest.
I emailed David Wade to ask about the Herald story yesterday, but as reported in the Herald, Wade “was traveling on his campaign plane… and couldn’t be reached for comment.” He did get back to me today providing pertinent info about supporting his campaign.
I strong urge Red Sox Fans and Kerry supporters to cast their vote for David Wade, President of The Red Sox Nation.